Caught! | |||
| Infidelity is more in your face than ever before, says relationship counsellor Vijay Nagaswami. Not surprisingly, most adulterers get exposed sooner rather than later, he writes in his new book.A n e x c e r p t | |||
It's an extraordinary fact of contemporary Indian married life that the majority of affairs is discovered sooner rather than later. Whether it is because transgressors take more risks than before, or whether it is because the very same technology that facilitates the smooth conduct of affairs facilitates discovery as easily or whether because the intuition of the modern married person is much more sharply honed to discover affairs with ease, is hard to tell. But it's axiomatic that the only people who believe the affair to be a well-kept secret are those having the affairs… I do not intend this to be a manual on the 10 or 20 things you need to do to discover whether or not your partner is having an affair, for simply put, there is no surefire formula with which you can do so. I am simply going to share with you some of the usual ways in which affairs get discovered. Typically in our country, affairs get discovered in one of five ways: Caught in the act: In the past, this used to be the commonest method of discovery of an affair. In the absence of available venues in which to conduct an affair, most protagonists would do so at either the transgressor's or the paramour's home, when they believed that the coast was clear. But given that they lived in joint or at least extended families, it was very rare for the coast to be absolutely clear. Invariably somebody would stumble upon them and their game would be over even before it began. But in contemporary times, there are many more spaces where people can conduct affairs, as a result of which getting caught in the act is relatively less common... If the affair is being conducted outside the home, the chances of being caught in the act are generally far less, unless the cruel hand of fate takes over. As it did when Ramona was romancing her paramour in a park, a distance away from home… Both of them used to visit this park regularly since it was considered a lovers' haven and they were surrounded by many other couples who had eyes only for each other, as a result which they were relatively undisturbed. Unfortunately for them, they chose to meet there on Valentine's Day. A TV crew chose that particular park to record a clip on how love was in the air and, deeply engrossed in a loving hug, Ramona and her paramour did not notice that they were being recorded along with a dozen or so other couples. …The unexpurgated clip was telecast that evening when Ramona, her husband and the family was sitting down to watch television after dinner, and changed her life forever. Technology to the rescue: For some reason, when people have affairs, they seem to feel compelled to send late-night or early-morning text messages ("I want to be the last person to say good night and first person to say good morning"). And even if the phone is on silent mode, it does tend to flash or vibrate, or does something to catch the attention of anyone near the phone. And if this "anyone" turns out be aggrieved spouse, well, you know what's likely to happen... Acting on intuition: Nobody would have suspected that Hari had anything close to an intuition... He was very much a family man and very dependent on his wife, Sushma, who was generally more vivacious person and enjoyed interacting warmly with people around her. [But] he never really nurtured his talented wife, for he didn't know how to. She was a talented classical singer whose career could have really gone places, but for Hari playing the role of the albatross around her neck. One day, out of the blue, Hari asked her if she was having an affair with her percussion accompanist. She was shocked and had a row with him. How could he accuse her of such a thing? And that too without a shred of evidence. Hari agreed he had no evidence, but was absolutely sure that the comfort level she shared with the man when they rehearsed together was of the kind that only intimate couples had. Two weeks later, Hari threw a sheaf of papers at her face. It was her itemised mobile phone bill… How could she explain the three-hour conversations and the 46 messages to her percussionist on a single day? She confessed.
Confession: Although it may seem unusual, confessions are sometimes the way an affair is discovered. This typically happens after one-night stands or intense affairs of short duration engaged in by an individual whose guilt levels are high enough to prompt a confession to the spouse. This could be because the transgressor in question is by nature highly guilt-prone, or because the marriage is a stable and generally transparent one… Sometimes, confessions come about for another reason. Shefalee was having an intense affair with her colleague Jaidev, which happened to be discovered by his sharply intuitive wife, Carol. He managed to communicate this to Shefalee, who was put in a fix. Knowing how vindictive Carol could be, she decided that the best thing to do was to tell her husband, Sameer, about it before Carol got to him. So that evening, over dinner, she made a full confession about her "stupidity". Of course, she overlooked telling him about Carol having found out about it. Sameer was stunned, but he gave Shefalee full marks for being honest. When Carol called to speak to Sameer, he coldly informed Carol that he already knew about it and had decided to forgive his wife for her indiscretion. Carol was unstoppable, and gave him a blow-by-blow description of how exactly she had discovered the affair and all of what her husband and his wife had been up to. Despite his dislike of Carol, whom he had always thought of as a coarse woman, Sameer heard her out. Shefalee ended up being the loser twice over for the twin deception. It took Sameer a long time to recover from this double whammy. Sheer accident: Divya was what is generally referred to in our country as a "homely" wife. She had diligently taken care of her husband Anil and their family with a lot of love, patience and understanding. For their tenth wedding anniversary, more at his family's insistence, Anil had been persuaded to take her to Goa for a long weekend. Anil, being a creature of habit, booked them into the hotel he usually stayed at when he went to Goa on his innumerable business trips. At the lobby, when they were checking in, they bumped into the hotel manager who greeted Anil warmly. "Your wife's not come with you this time," he asked Anil, not noticing Divya's presence. Homely or not, this was enough for Divya, who was much sharper than she looked, and Anil's bubble was well and truly burst… Chance discovery of affairs happens more often than one realises. Sheetal was sitting next to Pika on a flight and both the women chatted a bit. They were not really each other's types, so while they were friendly enough they did not get into any form of personal conversation. Sheetal was cutting short a business trip to surprise her husband on his birthday. So when she got out of the airport, she was taken aback to see her husband waiting outside. She ran towards him not noticing that Pika too was doing the same thing. Pika beat her by a whisker and jumped into his arms. All he could do was to stare at Sheetal, stunned. It was not a very happy birthday. Pure Bollywood? May sound like it. But take it from me, it happens. After hearing innumerable stories like this, I have developed a healthy respect for Indian scriptwriters. Yes, affairs do get discovered by chance. And when they do, the sense of betrayal is extremely high, for the questions topmost on the aggrieved partner's mind are "Suppose I hadn't been there, how much longer would the affair have continued? How could I have not realised that my spouse was cheating on me?" and the like. On top of the transgressing partner's mind is just one thought, "Hell. What are the odds that this could have happened?" Whatever the odds, it has happened and has to be dealt with. The world works in mysterious ways. |
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Caught! Infidelity is more in your face than ever before, says relationship counsellor Vijay Nagaswami. Not surprisingly, most adulterers get exposed sooner rather than later, he writes in his new book.A n e x c e r p t
http://www.telegraphindia.com/1120108/jsp/7days/story_14978466.jsp
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